As we’re in the month of Halloween and all things scary are upon us, I thought I would have look at some onstage nightmare scenarios that can happen to any performer.
Presenting: ‘Tuneful TV’s 10 Onstage Nightmares’, as exemplified by some of our favourite famous artists!
Read below to find out what I recommend you do if you find yourself in your very own onstage nightmare, whilst crossing your fingers so that these will never happen to you!
In no particular order of nightmarish occurrence, here they are….
1. THE WARDROBE MALFUNCTION
Eg: Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake
Argh! That moment when your trousers split in half down the seam, or in the case of JT and JJ, someone comes along and rips your top off exposing your right nipple piercing. Whether it was done on purpose or an accident, it’s still a nightmare and I still cringe to this day!!
My advise: Continue the gig if it’s just a trouser split and punch the person who tries to rip your clothes off!
2. ATTACK OF THE INANIMATE OBJET
Eg: Beyonce
Getting your hair caught in a fan is quite specific to Queen Bey but it doesn’t make it any less horrific. Just imagine going to the front of the stage to sing to your fans and then an ACTUAL FAN manages to get your hair caught in its blades!! This is when inanimate objects attack and it can happen to anyone on stage – falling mic stands, getting electrocuted, stepping on an upturned plug (ehem, the reason I will never go barefoot onstage!) Health and safety nightmares!!
My advise: Continue singing just like Beyonce and have your people fix the problem!! Wishing all my readers this boss level of professionalism as showcased by Beyonce!
3. THE CLASSIC STAGE INVASION
Eg: Michael Jackson
I admit, not all stage invasions are nightmares. Sometimes they’re just plain fun, especially if you’re the one invading the stage… I can personally attest to this (but perhaps I should take the opportunity to apologise to Damian Marley and the security guard I caused to fall on the floor in my failed attempt to jump onstage!!). As the performer though it can really be an onstage nightmare. It’s not only the shock of someone being there who’s not supposed to, but in reality, what should you do?
Check out what the King of Pop did when an over zealous fan invited himself onstage for the DURATION of ‘Earth Song’.
My advice: If you’re uncomfortable, shout out to the bouncer or someone from the venue to get them off the stage. Or just do like Michael and carry on giving the fan the moment of their lives!
4. WHEN YOU GOTTA GO, YOU GOTTA GO…!
Eg: Fergie of the Blackeyed Peas
Weeing yourself in front of anyone is a nightmare. It’s the kind of nightmare that when you think you’ve forgotten about it, it will pop back into your brain to be replayed at the most unlikeliest of moments. So imagine how Fergie feels to have done this in front of thousands of music fans…!! CRINGE!! Poor thing!!
If you really need a visual, you can click to see the photo here.
My advise: Always go to the loo before you go on stage even if it’ll make you late! But if it happens like it did to Fergie, think about running off stage and continuing to sing from the wings!!
5. WHAT GOES DOWN MUST COME UP
Eg: Justin Bieber
Speaking of bodily fluids… You might be on stage and just not feel well. This can especially happen when you’re on tour. You might have had a big party the night before a performance, you might have eaten something dodgy at a motorway restaurant – anything can happen and the show must go on. But what if you’re mid song and you feel that familiar torrent of belly juices making its way up your internal pipes like it did our friend Justin Beiber?? I’ll spare you the actual footage. Bieber went on to blame the fact he drank milk before the gig. Suffice to say…
My advise: Get yourself off stage ASAP! Noone wants to see you vom!!
6. FORGETTING YOUR LYRICS NIGHTMARE
Eg: Tamera Foster off the X Factor
This used to happen to me all the time. I’d forget lyrics to my own songs but the difference here is that nobody really knew what the words were in the first place, so I would just make them up on the spot. But what about poor Tamera Foster here on her audition for X Factor? Probably the biggest performance of her life and she forgot the words to a song that everybody knows!! Arrrggh!! Nightmare!!
My advise: Go, “wiki wiki remix” then make up the rest of the song as if it was part of the act all along. Just don’t stop!!
7. OUT OF TUNE!!
Eg: Adele
This is such an onstage nightmare because sometimes when it happens, you don’t even realise it’s happening until it’s too late! Singing in tune is actually a skill that many take for granted. It requires concentration and the ability to really listen to the music around you even if you’re not equipped with state of the art in ear monitors! This nightmare can definitely happen to anyone at any level of their career. Just take our beloved Adele for example, whose pitchy singing at the Grammy’s in 2016 was down to a technical hitch, as she later explained to Ellen.
My advice: Stop the song and start over again. The audience won’t mind and would actually prefer that to having their ears bleed because of the dissonance. I shudder just thinking about it!
8. HEAD OVER HEELS
Eg: Madonna
Falling over is just a part of life. It can happen to the best of us and what do we do? We laugh it off, we dust ourselves down, we carry on with our day. Now think about falling over in front of millions of people like our fave, Madonna?! The horror of it all!
My advise: Stay on the floor and keep singing ie: pretend it’s all part of the routine! Or do like Madge and slay the rest of the performance
9. LIPSYNC FOR YOUR LIFE
Eg: Ashlee Simpson
Just so you know, not all artists actually want to lipsync. Sometimes it is a necessary part of the production of certain TV shows and events. I’m just putting it out there as we can’t always blame an artist for not singing live in the first place. But with that being said, if you are gonna lipsync, you better hope it all goes to plan because there’s very few things more cringe than this onstage nightmare!
My advice: Turn around so that your back is facing the audience and do a wild dance move to distract them. Once you’re back on track with the miming, turn around to face your audience et voila!
10. THE MELTDOWN
Eg: Pretty much everyone
I couldn’t think of what to put as my number 10 and then I came across the YouTube compilation video (below) of artists having meltdowns on stage. I thought to myself, you know what? That really is an onstage nightmare. Many of us reach some sort of breaking point at some time in our lives but imagine it happening onstage when everyone is watching you. Should you hold it in or let it all out?
My advice: If you’re the artist, roll with it, let off some steam but try not to alienate your audience. Maybe you can laugh about it afterwards like everyone else!
So that’s it for my 10 Onstage Nightmare scenarios! If you’re an artist, I’d love to know what’s the worst onstage nightmare that has happened to you, and how did you deal with it? Or maybe you’re a music lover and avid gig goer, what’s the worst thing you’ve seen onstage?
Let me know in the comments!!
Nat xXx
Excited for Halloween? Check out my Essential Halloween playlist to get you in the mood!
